What Heart Wants !!!

If you are a person who had a dream from childhood that you will become an engineer or doctor or lawyer or any particular professional then you are simply one of the blessed human beings who  knew since their early days that what they have to do. And you won't like this post much. But I was nothing like this and if you also never had that one special dream then you are also in same side as mine and I hope you like it. 

It's not the case that I never had dreams, in fact I always had extraordinary dreams and I still have :P. But to convert imagination in reality one has to work too hard. My heart wanted to do a lot of things, but which thing to pursue out of all them, this is the biggest confusion. And the person who can overcome this confusion can win his own heart which is far too difficult than winning other hearts.

As far as I remember, I was just 7 or 8 when I started watching cricket with interest. Technically, in India playing and watching cricket is almost every boy’s first hobby. We take cricket very seriously and I was not an exception. It was 1999 when I was 8 years old and I was witnessing the first cricket world cup. I used to impress my elders (those who took interest in cricket) with my eidetic memory about team squads, fixtures, new events and other details of that tournament. I watched almost every match, and just like another Indian boy I also wanted to bat like Sachin Tendulkar, Rahul Dravid and we used to play a lot of matches that time.

Years passed and then came FIFA world cup 2002 and I became such a huge follower of Ronaldo, Ronaldinho that I and my cousin used to practice for hours with football. We always wanted to excel in sports but when exams came, we were pushed to studies. Then came class 10^th which is the MOST IMPORTANT class. And after that class 11^th - 12^th Science scholars do not earn much time for their sports activities when they get indulged in hectic schedule of coaching and school.  Time had passed like a wave of wind and I had actually become an engineer without even thinking of any other option in my life.  I never convincingly answered myself this question that what do I want to become actually??

I never found out a too strong reason which drawn me into this field except of my interest in Mathematics. I was completely unaware that how I will live my life after 6-7 years and I wasn’t special, no one puts this much thought when they are 16-17 of age. We just flow with water and get mixed into a big river. However, few do make their own way but that way also passes through this river.

And today also, after completing engineering and working in a job, I am still not able to answer that question. Over the time I was thrilled by many other things like music, comedy, literature but I believe that I was always a dabbler in those genres. I actually tried in few, but I realized that there are better people in these fields and I stand no chance in front of them. I could never find one soul passion with which I can work for whole life and could proudly say that yes…I am doing this all by my choice.

I have not visited every place in this world but whatever I have seen, there are very few people who know their aim of life. Not talking in spiritual way but even in materialistic terms people can’t choose among their lot of desires. This reminds of a fantastic Urdu ghazal’s first lines written by Mirza Ghalib regarding the unending desires:

Hazaaron khwahishen aisi ke har khwahish pe dam nikle,
Bohat niklay mere armaan, lekin phir bhi kam nikle

I was in this same category, I have  worked really hard for a lot of things but after getting them or maybe failing at them when I analyze the situation I really can’t decide that  was it just a momentary thrill which forced me to do so much over that or was it the actual thing which my heart wanted.  Sometimes the answer comes that actually; I didn’t have any other option at that time for me.  It is just human nature that our thirst never gets quenched permanently; it is just inhibited by a fleeting achievement. As soon as we get passed by that milestone, it arises again. Family, fun, and friends these all things sum up to our desires. Our heart wants everything but what we really need is peace. As said in Serenity prayer

God, give me grace to accept with serenity,
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.

Working in an avid manner to achieve a goal is hard but what is harder is to accept rejection and failure. There are many lucky people  who get their wishes fulfilled very easily, they get a lot of luxuries as gifts but in my views the ones who get talent as a present are far ahead of them. I don’t think there is any single achiever in this world who hasn’t suffered downfall. Success can’t be defined as winning every battle, neither it is some certain destination, it is a journey and it can be measured as how well one fought throughout the whole life. Although I have lost almost every fight except a few in my life but I guess to show a continuous and consistent effort against our problems we need focus. That’s the thing which I lack on occasions. Overconfidence, carelessness or whatever I get as the reason but in reality ardent love for one particular thing puts a person aside from the herd of other competitors who are chasing it.

People put in front of GOD their hopes of getting promotions, good results, positive replies in love, tender deals in their favor etc, but what we really should ask is serenity and wit. I may not like it when my mother forces me to worship in temple even when I am not interested, but I feel moved when she teaches me and my small cousins at the time of pooja to pray “May the almighty provide us the good sense, discreetness and intelligence to  judge what is wrong and what is right”.

I think the one who will know what his heart actually wants, will get this sense of taking correct decision automatically and will always be able to make himself happy even after making compromises because, during  the course of time he will recover from the pain which he had faced before.  The one, who knows what his heart wants at this very moment, knows the every single step which he has to take forward to fulfill it. The heart sometimes may take people to wrong road but when  evil reaches its heights then it is actually the fervid heat of those freaks which make them win over good at that very time. Satisfaction and stability can be achieved by any individual only by doing what his heart says because at the end (with the famous hindi quote): 

Mann ke haare haar hai, Mann ke jeete jeet 

I just pray that I really get such good wisdom that I take correct decisions in future so that I not just win other's hearts but I can conquer myself.